I Still Love You

I Still Love You

They both were naive and young when they met each other. They don’t even remember when they saw each other in their life. They probably were toddles fighting over some toys. Snatching each other’s over a small tiff while playing in the common garden in their locality, that’s how they grew up. Who remembers more or less about that time, while getting ready for her office Samanta is thinking about the time when it was all began. As she is hoping something will begin again. It’s raining at 9:30 am. The whole world is at rush and here she is, one half in nostalgia and other half in front of the mirror trying to get her make up fixed before she gets ready for a productive day (as she believes - a should be productive no matter what)

She looks outside from the window. The rain can’t ruin her day. She has everything all at the right place. She wears black outfit and carries big black bag which can carry her whole world in it so rain is not a trouble for her. She says she is neither made of paper to get scared of water. “So rain can’t stop me and get me late. I have a blue umbrella”.It saves her from scorching sun in June or heavy rain in the month of July. She takes it out from her bag.She reaches at the station. She looks at the digital watch on the station it says 9:40.

She sighs, “Ok I am on time. It saves me from seeing my boss’s face with the clarification being late.” She looks at the direction from where Nepal Yatayat drives to take her office. There is no sign of the vehicle and meanwhile she takes out the cell phone, shuffles songs and look back on the road. She plays her best collection. She picks Enrique Iglesias’s song. “May be you say you still want me” She can feel each of the words in the lyrics. Her eyes are still looking on the road. “Hey Samanta. Is not that you? A voice strikes her. She turns back and takes little time to response as she reads every text on his green t-shirt, “I still Love You. Whaaa!” she perplexed and stammers “Hey Pradumna, how’s everything? How are you? When did you come back? What are you doing? ” She asks all these question in one breathe “I hardly could recognize you girl” The expression apparently projects they are meeting each other after a long gap. A horn blows off everything.Suddenly she realizes the rain has stopped already and she is just holding umbrella. She closes the umbrella and keeps inside her bag. The clock strikes 9:50 a.m. “See you in the evening” both of them bid good bye. It takes 15 minutes to reach her office. She enters in the bus that is extremely packed as usual during office hour. She smiles as she plunges into past whispers “in the evening”

The girl at her teen, is sitting by the side of her window. It’s raining and she looks through the window. A mirror is hung by the window. She combs her hair looking on the mirror. She is enjoying the beautiful greenery outside. Each rain drops are claiming all the dust to bust off leaving green- greener, clean- cleaner. The breeze is moving around her neck and blowing off and on her thick hair. She keenly looks on the mirror to correct her mascara, and then she sees a boy who is wearing green t-shirt, standing with a book in the shade of turf in the next home nearby. He is standing so hear to not to see or not to realize. And then he waves. She stops to see away from her mirror to understand what is happening down there. She catches a breathe for a moment when her childhood, Pradumna signs, “I love you”. She makes the faces and laughs out loud. She teases her rather than responding back to  him. She doesn’t have to reply or respond back to his I love you.

This love takes a lot than proposing, promising and confessing. They both know the value of being there for each other than making promises or going on dates. That means sharing notes, discussing on major difficult subjects and meeting at the market nearby after school. They have to catch up every evening to share 10^th grade popular jokes and affairs. Samanta is an avid reader. She buys a new book in every second month. But this time she is out of money. She can’t buy one. Pradumna is her saviour. He knows very titbit so he buys one for her. He buys “The Story of My Life” by Hellen Keller. She turns the first page she reads in Pradumna hand written note “For now and Till forever Love Samu” She reads and bangs on his head saying” look your handwriting”. He grates “look for emotion” he bands her head with the same book.

She is sinking deep in the memory when all of sudden she realizes somebody is shaking her head, its conductor who knows her well where she gets off. For a while she contemplates how time transforms what we see and most of all we feel. “He hardly can recognize me” She enters her office right away. She finds a list of works waiting to be done. She sees her cabin is a total mess. She calls, “ MayaDidi, please clean it before I make it dustier for you to clean up.” She sits and checks her things to do list and scratches her hair.

“Curl your hair, Samu” Pradumna moves his hand in her hair. She is going to the parlour. As her mother has promised her after SLC, she can do whatever she wishes with her hair. Samanta was so excited to enter a parlour on her own. She has an immense pleasure to do the makeover after SLC as every teenager is doing. She doesn’t like the idea, “It will damage my hair. But highlight is better idea.” He corrects, “No Samu, remember new college. Now new college- new rules. You will have to cut or change the colour. The college is strict in such matter.” They enter the parlour where a red telephone rings.

Naturally, her past meditation has no telephone buzz which she has to answer but she has to pick up at the present realism. She answers, “Hello” A keen silence before she says, “Got it clear. Ok”. She receives a task to email a client in USA. She murmurs, “The world has so many places but why USA?” and puts down the receiver of the phone. She has things to do but her mind is in meditation mood.

“Wow, a dream land, USA.” In a dreamy voice Pradumna shows the brochure of a consultancy to Samanta.

Samanta rebukes, “Nonsense let the dream world be in dream. Live in reality.”

Pradumna, “Let’s go together. A land of opportunity”

Samanta, “I have plenty of opportunities to explore here. So not even in my dream.”

Pradumna never debates with her. He can’t convince her. So he hugs her while she pushes him away.

“Samu, aren’t you going for lunch” Rose puts her arms around her neck from back and says, “Let’s go take some hot and spicy noodles.”

Samanta is reluctant to go as she is busy meditating her past unexpressed love story. “No I will have a coffee” She smiles at her. “How boring” Rose replies. “I am not a boss.” Samanta whispers and both of them laugh.

“Hey Samu, do you know Ronan has got a visa for Australia. So soon we are biding good bye to one of our friends. And let’s get ready for the treat.”

“uh, uh…” Samanta stammers.

Back in those days again,Samanta can remember the day in detail.

The day is bright and beautiful. Trying to manage her curls she has just taken bath. She looks on the mirror near by the window when she sees a hand waving to her. She smiles. Pradumna calls “Come out.” She signs him to wait for her.

“Let’s go to market and buy Prasad to visit temple.” Excited Pradumna tells to Samanta. She has never needed to know reason behind anything Pradumna says. They buy someladdoo and visit temple. While coming out from the temple they meet Radhika, a devoted worshiper from the temple. “You look happy Pradumna!”

“Oh ya! I am. I got the visa for USA.”Pradumna replies. Samanta is amazed at the news. She looks at Pradumna who is so happy to share it. She doesn’t know what to say. She is in dilemma how to react. She handles her ambivalent mood with the question, “When is the flight?” She has a sinking face and low voice. “December 20” Then she kissed him on his cheek. She doesn’t shed the tears but she is feeling deep down that she is not going to meet him again.

It is 8 pm. She has to prepare practical notes by tomorrow but she is so not in mood. She is feeling alone. A sheer sadness of separation is a new taste for her. She doesn’t remember all this while when they have ever been separated. She is feeling unbalanced and her world is overturned. When world loses its balance we naturally seek a constant connection but nothing can remain constant and Pradumna has to go. Her mother brings a glass of Horlicks and she awakes her daughter from deep meditation striking spoon in the glass, “ting…ting”

Onomatopoeia brings Samanta to reality. When Rose strikes spoon with coffee, ting… ting, “hey Samu, you are not alone I am here with you.” She pulls Samanta aside from her past and brings to reality. They get out of the café to resume their work in the office. As the clock strikes 4:45, Samanta braces herself to get home. She packs her bottle, hand sanitizer, a diary, purse inside her black bag. She chains it.

“Lock that chain” “make sure your documents are in the hand bag.” Where is another luggage?” the total home is speaking. It is a day of departure, 20 December. Everyone is talking to Pradumna. They all are reminding him about Dos and Don’ts in airport and USA. Samanta is left at a corner checking the chaos. Pradumna can see she is bored. And this is only the phase where he can do nothing to entertain her. He was surrounded by whole family and friends. She is her peace not responding even a smile. She gets up to go that’s when Pradumna call, “there on the table there is a black bag. You have a see you again gifts. Save it till I come back.” She goes to collect a purse. She opens up, “there is some cash” Pradumna “ya that’s my see you again gift for you” They both laugh including other people in the room.

The day when he leaves Samanta sits with the see you again gift of Pradumna i.e. cash. She is missing him. She never confesses she does and will to him. But she checks the cash. She finds a note in every leaf of the cash. A bundle of the cash includes various notes of a single line which she reads everyday.That reads,

Slow will be the wind without you.

Save your smile till I see you.

Life is lively only with you

The day we will meet again

Wait for the day

Wait for the word I would say

I still love you baby.

“Oh cliché” She with her gummy smiles says.

Samanta recalls his t-shirt that has note on it “I still Love you” as she looks at the grinning smile of lord Krishna that she has on her table. The gift she bought to give as a good bye gift for Pradumna. She holds it. “I have to give to him today. All this while I wanted to give him but in these two years’ time it helped me to keep connected with him.” Truly it was difficult to maintain long distance relationship between two people who feel they are world apart and especiallywith the person who sees a sun when other one is seeing moon and a vice versa. 

They have hardly a deep conversation all this while. She has some cash with some amazing notes on it which she reads when she misses him the most. “Distance is terrific people almost forget each other but the emotion can’t be healed either by the distance or by the time.” She takes out the wallet from her drawer as soon as she reaches home. She recalls her last conversation with her. She hardly can remember. When she stresses her mind, a faint memory of another conversation they have in a chaotic atmosphere. It was his birthday. He was in the apartment Alaska. He was drunk and dancing with his friends. She recalls the card and a gift she bought for him a silver locket he was fond of when he was in Nepal. She takes out from the self. She holds mixture of feeling at the moment.

In the morning when she met him, the both hardly recognize each other. But the situation is different, the feeling of being far for two whole years have started giving her pain. Yet she is happy that she is going to meet him again. She can give him his see you again gift, her goodbye gift, unshared birthday gift and most of all the moment they could have. She is wondering why she has alienated herself from him. “It’s me or him? We hardly shared a word and emotion when both of us value each other a lot always. She believes her gifts will be perfect for their reunion.” She is happy and a feeling of reunion she becomes joyful. She longs for a hug and want to make his hug her home.

Its 6:30 pm. She collects the purse and gifts. Before she sets herself for the unison she looks at the mirror, hung right at the same place. This time before seeing herself in the mirror she looks at the shade of turf. No one is there to look neither at her nor to wave at her. But a girl on her mirror is happily making her heart ready to behold him. Her heart pumps her. She can listen to the loud heartbeat and she is full with feelings for him. She shyly confesses “I missed you until you are here. I still love you too”

She opens the door of her room. She goes in the living room, she looks at the clock, it says 6:45. She wears a comfortable old slipper as she heads to meet one whom she was so much comfortable with. She takes right foot from the gate. She sees her younger brother in the bike. So she takes back her right feet inside the gate to open the gate for her brother. His brother gets in the gate she shuts the gate. He asks “Going out?”

“Yes will be late today”

“Guess what I met Pradumna today. He got back. You must have known.”

“Ya ,Ya” she responds in hurry. She takes her left foot out when her brother adds “He got back for a month with his newly wedded wife. They are here on their honeymoon.”

She holds her right foot. She doesn’t know what to say. Instead of replying a word she smiles to herself, an ambivalent smile.