Why are you single?
A common question for an adult above 30. I have been asked it numerous times since I passed high school. People ponder that in the age of social media one is still single. I have been fielding the questions with limited excuses.
Recently, my 6 years old niece (Prashvi Thapa) drew a picture at the whiteboard at my home.
I asked her then what she was drawing.
She replied in her babbling voice, “That is you and that is your prince”.
I could see a beautiful princess-like figure with a prince. I was super shocked to listen to her.
I responded with a friendly laugh and asked, “Why do I need a prince?”
She stammered a little and got breathless as she replied, “a prince saves everything that’s why you need a prince.”
I added some more questions to the 6-year-old toddler, “why do I need anyone to save me?”
She answered me in one breath without thinking with a question, 'isn't it a prince who saves, makes and decorates a castle?’
I asked her another question, “does a prince save my castle and how does he save it?”
She hastingly replied, “He has a sword to protect me and my castle. You might not be able to make and save a castle.”
,I was giggling over her babbling logic as I was stunned listening to her argument. Moreover, I was dumbfounded at witnessing the passive influence of society over a small female child.
Oh ya! It is true. Excuses are essential for a single woman. I keep an equilibrium between facial gestures and tone while answering excuses. No matter what excuses come out of my tongue I make sure I will have the same facial gesture and tone with a giggle. I always want people to recall me as a smiling woman. That is why regardless of the time, place, and most importantly my mood; I don’t take a second to reply why I am single with a wide big smile on my face. Don’t get me wrong I reply most of the time not because I know why I am single. I have to reply because I have to. It is not only to shut the mouth and wink those curious eyes but to end self-accusing comprehension.
Yes! We have to bear not only external questions but deal with self-accusing interior questions. Why am I still single? Do I have a problem? Physical or psychological or more on a spiritual level - is it my fate? In order to explore reason more realistically, I am guided by the thought of making choices in life. When I have enough time to explain, I go under a philosophical tone. I explain beautifully, the status I am leading is my choice. I had chosen this life at my adolescence. My heart used to scuttle off of conjugal life. I did not want to get married then. But I am an adult now. Amidst difficult questions, I want to understand this phenomenon called life.
My attempt to understand the present takes me to the past. I arrived here safely. Precisely I rather say I had nothing much left of hurtful grudges. I did not die of anything as conventional life would say heartbreaks (Believe me I had a nasty one). I wonder how I can ride further looking at the past, but it was beautiful.
When the world is busy planning for the future I turn back and contemplate life and relationships. As I think the same as D.H. Lawrence, “The only history is a mere question of one’s struggle inside oneself. But that is the joy of it.” So, I am taking a joyful ride to the past to understand the present. One's internal fight is the only thing that has any historical significance.
I always wanted to understand human emotion, relationships and sexuality. My understanding is not enough but I am observing keenly. My keen observation is leading nowhere so I am holding onto the past and playing with thoughts to manufacture good words so that I can write... Good - bad, wrong- right, Beautiful- ugly... away from these dichotomies.
I am dwelling on the thoughts to find out an answer to know how our past can revisit us beautifully. The journey was discontinued yet the past re-arrives not haunting and hurting. But it also leaves another hole once again with a question- why am I still single?
I always used to get scared of being ended up with a rake. I still do. I never wanted a heartbreak and a sad love story.
Life is a scheduled phenomenon. We need to plan our life like we plan a day. Planning a day is manageable but not life. I have made my choice, yet I have not been able to conquer a conclusion from my experience. There is no such experience. I cannot explain why that happened. However, despite using all my might I have been choosing the kind of life I seek for I still cannot find a reason, why am I single?
People find me peculiar at both times: at the times when I have a solid answer and also when I respond with an empty and silent smile.
Yes, there was a time when I did not want to get married. As I grew older, I understood the significance and pertinence of long-term affinity. So, I am different from the person I was in my 20’s. I want to run away from questions, accusations, and justifications. I want to be respected, desired, wanted, welcomed, and watched by special nearness.
It was during my second year of my master’s when I reasonably zeroed on someone in order to start off a conjugal life. I dated for 10 months and had to call it off due to not many misunderstandings. Life seems easy with social media but at times it is the reason for people falling out of love. I always believe results are more crucial than reasons. So, I don’t want to give all the reasons to explain why I ended my relationship with him. After him I remember, a couple of men even from Craigslist knocked on my door. However, nothing led me to put an end to the question; Why am I single?
I have always been headstrong and know what I want in my life. However, life is ambiguous. No matter how clear you are within yourself, you are knocked down by ambiguity. Hence, rather than dwelling upon unanswerable questions, I have started raising a question: why would anyone want to know if I am single? If they want me not to be they should bring a good suitor. Eventually, I decided to respond to this profound question with a catchy line, it goes like this: Even though my prince charming has lost his way, my life is no less than fairy-tale.
Sandhya Thapa
Nepal
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